comedy show

Try explaining Hitler to a kid.

George Carlin

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Emo Philips

If people stand in a circle long enough, they’ll eventually begin to dance.

George Carlin

An art thief is a man who takes pictures.

George Carlin

I think I am, therefore I am. I think.

George Carlin

This conversation is bound to turn up. Two guys in a street meet each other, and one of them says, “Hey, did you hear? Phil Davis died.” “Phil Davis? I just saw him yesterday.” “Yeah? … Didn’t help. He died anyway. Apparently, the simple act of you seeing him did not slow his cancer down. In fact, it may have made it more aggressive. You know, you could be the cause for Phil’s death. How do you live with yourself?”

George Carlin

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re tired.

George Carlin

You know the best thing about necrophilia? You don’t have to bring flowers. Yeah… Usually, they’re already there.

George Carlin

Cannibalism. Imagine that: chowing down on another human being. You gotta be all out of beef jerky, man. You gotta be really fucking hungry. But it happens, doesn’t it? Still happens to this day. A bunch of people stranded in the wilderness run out of pop tarts, gotta eat something… Might as well be Steve! And by the way, how do you decide who to eat first? How do you decide who’s first on the barbecue rack? Do you pick on the little guy because he’s skinny and he can’t fight back, or do you all gang up on the bodybuilder because he’s got a lot of steaks and chops on him?

George Carlin

You ever notice that? Any time you see two groups of people who really hate each other, chances are good they’re wearing different kind of hats. Keep an eye on that, it might be important.

George Carlin

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