comedian
Try explaining Hitler to a kid.
George Carlin
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
Emo Philips
This Halloween, the most popular mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask. And the best part? With a mouth full of candy you will sound just like him.
Conan O’Brien
Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly.
Conan O’Brien
Republicans have called for a National African-American Museum. The plan is being held up by finding a location that isn’t in their neighborhood.
Conan O’Brien
I’ve always believed, in my heart of hearts, that it would be a better show if, when I crossed over to the desk, the band kept playing for an hour and I danced in a cage.
Conan O’Brien
Disappointment leads to clarity, which leads to conviction and true originality.
Conan O’Brien
There is nothing more liberating than having your worst fear realized.
Conan O’Brien
Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, “Jesus! This cup is expensive!
Conan O’Brien
Applaud my idiocy.
Conan O’Brien