Manny: Do you think I should wash my beard?
Bernard: I think you should wash it, yeah. Then shave it off, nail it to a frisbee, and fling it over a rainbow.

We’re trying something new. Absinthe. You know that one? That slogan, “the drink that makes you want to kill yourself”?

I mean, you know, I have to price them, and then put them up on the shelves and store them and people will come in and ask about them and buy them and read them and come back and sell them, you know, and the whole hideous cycle will just go on and on and on and on, you know?

Policewoman, bottle of wine, point is I made an effort.

What? What? What? He looks surprised. All children look surprised. Everything’s new to them!

Well you should put a lock on the door anyway because I was in there, I was on the toilet and everything, and little Jimmy comes in, he’s drinking milk from the fridge and that’s all wrong… it’s unhygienic. And what were you thinking, what was going through your brain when you thought “Oh yeah, I’ll buy a wicker toilet”?

Hey! When all this has blown over, let’s go and see Les Miserables. Have you been to the zoo? It’s brilliant!

He says he wants to see other, less mad women.

Manny: “Pet Surprise”? What’s that?
Bernard: Oh you know the thing, they take the dog out for a walk, it thinks it’s a normal walk, but when they come back, the kennel has a patio and french doors.
Manny: Yeah, yeah, and they take the blindfold off…
Bernard: Yeah and he’s like “Oh my god”, you know.

And there were a few other people there. You know, the sort of people who can talk about salad for five hours.