Manny: Do you think I should wash my beard?
Bernard: I think you should wash it, yeah. Then shave it off, nail it to a frisbee, and fling it over a rainbow.
We’re trying something new. Absinthe. You know that one? That slogan, “the drink that makes you want to kill yourself”?
I mean, you know, I have to price them, and then put them up on the shelves and store them and people will come in and ask about them and buy them and read them and come back and sell them, you know, and the whole hideous cycle will just go on and on and on and on, you know?
Well you should put a lock on the door anyway because I was in there, I was on the toilet and everything, and little Jimmy comes in, he’s drinking milk from the fridge and that’s all wrong… it’s unhygienic. And what were you thinking, what was going through your brain when you thought “Oh yeah, I’ll buy a wicker toilet”?
Manny: “Pet Surprise”? What’s that?
Bernard: Oh you know the thing, they take the dog out for a walk, it thinks it’s a normal walk, but when they come back, the kennel has a patio and french doors.
Manny: Yeah, yeah, and they take the blindfold off…
Bernard: Yeah and he’s like “Oh my god”, you know.
And there were a few other people there. You know, the sort of people who can talk about salad for five hours.
So what?! So what?! They blanked me! That’s like an awesomely powerful thing to do in civilised society! It’s like, it’s like, it’s like when the Mafia send each other fish through the post.
Friend?! When I first came to London, he, he put me up, he lent me money, he helped me find a job, he helped me find this place. I was, I was an incredibly good friend to him. And, even though, even though I fancied his girlfriend, I did not make a pass at her. Well, once. Twice. A few times. But not after I realised just how angry it made him. Well, once, but only because…