Manny: Do you think I should wash my beard?
Black Books
Bernard: I think you should wash it, yeah. Then shave it off, nail it to a frisbee, and fling it over a rainbow.
We’re trying something new. Absinthe. You know that one? That slogan, “the drink that makes you want to kill yourself”?
Bernard, Black Books
I mean, you know, I have to price them, and then put them up on the shelves and store them and people will come in and ask about them and buy them and read them and come back and sell them, you know, and the whole hideous cycle will just go on and on and on and on, you know?
Bernard, Black Books
Policewoman, bottle of wine, point is I made an effort.
Bernard, Black Books
What? What? What? He looks surprised. All children look surprised. Everything’s new to them!
Bernard, Black Books
Well you should put a lock on the door anyway because I was in there, I was on the toilet and everything, and little Jimmy comes in, he’s drinking milk from the fridge and that’s all wrong… it’s unhygienic. And what were you thinking, what was going through your brain when you thought “Oh yeah, I’ll buy a wicker toilet”?
Bernard, Black Books
Manny: “Pet Surprise”? What’s that?
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Bernard: Oh you know the thing, they take the dog out for a walk, it thinks it’s a normal walk, but when they come back, the kennel has a patio and french doors.
Manny: Yeah, yeah, and they take the blindfold off…
Bernard: Yeah and he’s like “Oh my god”, you know.
And there were a few other people there. You know, the sort of people who can talk about salad for five hours.
Bernard, Black Books
So what?! So what?! They blanked me! That’s like an awesomely powerful thing to do in civilised society! It’s like, it’s like, it’s like when the Mafia send each other fish through the post.
Bernard, Black Books
Friend?! When I first came to London, he, he put me up, he lent me money, he helped me find a job, he helped me find this place. I was, I was an incredibly good friend to him. And, even though, even though I fancied his girlfriend, I did not make a pass at her. Well, once. Twice. A few times. But not after I realised just how angry it made him. Well, once, but only because…
Bernard, Black Books