There. There he is. Half Iago. Half fumanchu. All bastard.
Bernard, Black Books
The only thing that’s going to bring me inner peace is a beard-seeking missile!
Bernard, Black Books
I did it! I got the queen!
Manny, Black Books
I’m a quitter. I come from a long line of quitters. It’s amazing I’m here at all.
Bernard, Black Books
Look at that face! I bet his Corn Flakes tried to crawl out of the bowl!
Bernard, Black Books
Fetch me my lolly!
Bernard, Black Books
Hello! I’ve come to serenade you. I can’t play guitar. I can’t play this either, but I thought it’d be less obvious.
Bernard, Black Books
I’ve got to get a girlfriend, just for the summer, until this wears off. She’ll be a summery girl. She’ll have hair. She’ll have summery friends who know how to be outside. She’ll play tennis and wear dresses and have bare feet, and in the autumn, I’ll ditch her, because she’s my summer girl!
Bernard, Black Books
Well, I hope you enjoy your weekend repricing every single individual book in the shop, because they’ve all just gone up by a penny.
Bernard, Black Books
You! What did you say to Kate? She thinks I’m the Renaissance. She’ll think I’ve lied! I’ve had to go along with all this “reclusive genius” stuff. She’s going to be very upset when she finds out I’m just a reclusive wanker!
Bernard, Black Books